Different Direction

Since all of my writings tend to air on the side of really-real, in full transparency, I have no clue what God is about to reveal. Here's what I do know - He usually reveals truths and unravels mysteries to me through our writing sessions together. So that's cool! And, in light of said transparency, I received the following email about 45 minutes ago: 

Dear Kaitlyn,

Thank you for your patience as we were making decisions on the future of the Sales Manager position! Unfortunately, our team has decided after much deliberation to move in a different direction with different candidates. As a result, we regret that we cannot offer you further interviews at this time.

We were impressed with your background and your enthusiasm that you showed during your interviews! We do appreciate your interest and wish you all the best in your future endeavors. Please keep us in mind if you see similar opportunities posted.

Best wishes,
Recruiting Team

Have you ever received one of these?
The looming curiosity of "a different direction" never ceases does it? Like, what does it even mean?!

A slew of beckoning lies begin to echo in all-too-familiar voices... rejection comes first, guilt and shame enter together, and trailing not far behind is the ever-so-faithful "you're just not smart enough". She tends to take opportunities like this to reintroduce her nettlesome self. I think I'll begin visualizing these thoughts and feelings as flies... or rats.... or snakes...or ex-boyfriends. Or maybe evil gnomes.... we'll come back to this idea ... or leave me a comment with your best idea... 

As they begin to rear their nasty heads, the flesh begins to cry out in categorical belief, completely abandoning all prior knowledge of the goodness of God and His faithfulness to not allow me (you, me, we) to step outside of His good and perfect will so long as we seek Him. 

Moving a different direction seems to be the theme this last year. Moving homes, moving jobs, moving churches, moving communities, and moving on from hurts. 

It's the last "moving on" that gets me all sorts of discombobulated. Like, in a funk. And just last Wednesday, a straight up temper tantrum with the Almighty. Maybe you can relate? 

  • Someone hurts you. 
  • You get angry.
  • You realize your anger is rooted in fear of man.
  • Worshipped an Idol? Checkmark.
  • You get sad. 
  • Recognize your wrong but instead of doing something about it, you throw a pity party on the couch with yourself and your drug of choice (brownies + Netflix 🙋🏼‍♀️).
  • You get frustrated because 'they' don't seem to care. 
  • You cling to your anger because it's familiar. 
  • You realize this is extremely unhealthy.
  • You're now being stubborn because some wise told you to basically get over your pride.
  • That hurts too.
  • Now you debate shifting your anger onto them.
  • You decide that's not fair. Because, hello, you're not that stupid. 
  • You write out a list of what brought you to this very moment.
  • The moment where you're at the proverbial crossroads. 
  • Forgive and move on or stay, stewing in your hurt and anger and fear and idolization of man...

I think at this point in my writing session with God, I'm beginning to understand the gravity of today's message. A message He's been whispering to me since this past July... Forgiveness. Even today, my sweet STEPS mentor sent me this passage from a book she's reading: 

"Forgiveness is not always attractive. Forgiveness is difficult and costly. It will push you to the borders of your faith. It will tempt you to fear and doubt. But when forgiveness is granted and debts are canceled, the return is much greater than the cost" Paul David Tripp

For months, I've been wrestling with forgiveness. It's 'easier' to forgive those in front of us who are saying, "will you forgive me?" But, what about those who aren't in front of us? The ones who sexually abused you, rejected you for your relationship choices, mentally or spiritually abused you, shunned you as a result of addiction, left you at the altar, forced you to look at images at a young age, robbed you of your innocence, abandoned you as a child or disappeared from your life when things got just a little too "sticky" for them to stick around.  

How do you/we/me forgive 'those' people? 

This Type A personality doesn't have a step-by-step checklist for this one. And that pains me slightly... As much as my humanity wants a to-do list for forgiveness that includes numbers, sub-points, bullets, and footnotes, I'm afraid the Creator of the Universe doesn't exactly operate the same. Though we are made in His image... therefore, He does give us this: 

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“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15 NLT

I, you, have a choice when it comes to forgiveness. It's right there in His book of love letters... written in red. Written in what He did on the cross. And even as I type, I realize Him at work on a whole other level. This is the Holy week after all. The week we as a community of Christians from all ends of the world reflect on what our Savior did on the cross. He forgave us. He forgave it all. He poured out His blood, to cover our sin. To cover our unforgiveness... 

What direction will we choose?